The Loss Column Diet Soda Awards
The All-Star break is officially over, so it’s time to do what all self respecting sports websites do on such occasions: size things up.
But rather than hand out “grades” — which is what everyone does, and which is silly — we’re doing things differently (read: better). To that end, I present the first edition of the Loss Column Diet Soda Awards (the LCDSAs).
Henceforth, these awards are handed out periodically — maybe once a year, maybe twice, maybe whenever I feel like it — as a way to recognize, on a scale of one to five, those achievements that make Orioles baseball enjoyable, wins/losses be damned.
Note that these awards are designed to recognize achievement. Therefore, there’s no such thing as, say, giving Melmo negative Diet Sodas. We’re not rolling like that.
Many of you have made your own nominations, and they’ve all been taken into account. Thanks for that, and keep ‘em coming. One never knows when the next set of Diet Sodas will be handed out, and your nominations play a big part in deciding it.
Without further delay…
Five Diet Sodas
Jamie Walker wins a full Five for his legendary “rocketship” speech following the April 28th game. For real, the guy called Bobby Abreu “A-bray-hoo” and accused the umpires of betting on the game, all while assuming that the rest of us would consider it totally normal to refer to a hard hit as a “rocketship.” Things don’t get much better.
We’ll miss you, Jamie. Not on the mound, of course, but everywhere else.
The Comeback Against the Red Sox likewise wins Five, with no explanation necessary. I’d give that Six Diet Sodas if I could, but I can’t.
Four Diet Sodas
Dave Trembley gets Four, primarily for two reasons: his generally entertaining press conferences and the fact that he got thrown out of a game, managed it anyway, and then got suspended for admitting that he managed it anyway. And also for being the reason that the Diet Soda Awards exist in the first place (history here).
He’d have gotten Five if either (a) the record were better, or (b) there weren’t so many damn baserunning mistakes.
Rookies also earn Four Diet Sodas. While Berken and Hernandez don’t necessarily rate on the DSS (Diet Soda Scale), the combined performance of Bergesen, Reimold, and Wieters (in that order) is enough to make any O’s fan smile.
Three Diet Sodas
Luuuuuke Scott gets Three for, well, for being who the hell he is. Mashing home runs, consistently performing despite a nebulous role, carrying a firearm — Luke’s the man.
Adam Jones made a late push and earned Three Diet Sodas not only for his All-Star selection, but for saying that he’s down with rocking the “Baltimore” script. This kid is a superstar in the making. A Baltimore superstar.
Two Diet Sodas
Aubrey Huff gets Two for his status as manhOrse (thanks, Wayward O), and also for his mustache. And for being a pretty damn decent player, all things considered. But mostly for being a little weird in a way I can’t help but love.
Robert Andino gets Two Diet Sodas for stepping in and boldly declaring: “Hayden WHO? Cesar WHO?” It hurts my brain to think of the last time we had a decent backup shortstop, let alone one who could probably handle the starting job.
One Diet Soda
We can’t leave out ‘Ol FlatBrim, can we? No. My man was almost benched earlier this year, and responded by doing what he does best: collecting saves despite a ton of evidence that would seem to suggest he shouldn’t be collecting saves.
I know, stats stats stats. Whatever. The Brim has earned his Soda.
Incidentally, if you Googled “the brim has earned his soda” before this entry was published (like I just did), you would have found zero results. We’re making Internet history.
The Cavalry earns the final Diet Soda for this installment. Thanks in large part to Andrew‘s efforts, we know that they’re not only on their way, they’re legit. Hard to give them more than just One Soda right now, but look for them to start amassing impressive readings on the DSS soon.
***
And with that, I now fully admit that I missed something. Probably many things. No doubt I could hand out Diet Sodas for another hour or two and still not catch everything. So, fire away with your own awards in the comments. I hereby declare that whatever Sodas you award, they are correspondingly actually awarded. How’s that for power?
I would agree that we haven’t seen enough of Hernandez to award him any sodas, but the games he’s pitched have been perfectly acceptable. Looking forward to seeing more of him in the final 74 games.
I think Opening Day alone gets Five Sodas. For an opener against the Yankees, the place would have been packed regardless, but the O’s fans actually represented. The rest of the country took notice when we booed Mark Teixeira’s frat boy, two-faced self out of the park all day long. CC and his $161 million hit the showers early, and everyone in the lineup contributed to a blowout win over the most hated team in all the land. Drink up, folks!
Great call on Opening Day. Definitely Five Sodas there.
-7 Diet Sodas for Jason Berken, Rich Hill, Adam Eaton, and Steve Trachsel Part III (also known as Mark Hendrickson the starter).
Berken deserves better than to be lumped in with those others.
Now now, Andrew – I refer you to the fourth paragraph.
And, yes, Berken deserves better.
@neal s – No he does not. Hey – he had like 2 good games. That’s one more than Eaton, the same amount as Hill (arguably less), the same amount as Hendrickson…and oh yeah, let’s go to the numbers:
46 innings, 1.609 WHIP, 5.87 ERA, 5.1 K/9 (worse than everyone except Bergesen), 3.3 BB/9 (beaten only by Eaton and Hill), a 0.94 ground ball to fly ball ratio, AND he’s been extremely lucky in regards to not giving up home runs: just 4.6% of fly balls are home runs.
Summing up: Yes, he’s a young guy, but he also stinks.
And yes, thanks for the credit, Neal. It means a lot to know that the hard work isn’t without notice.
first of all i think i almost spit out my diet soda (mt. dew) when i read “diet soda scale” (DSS)..nicely done.
have to agree on opening day…i was there and that was definitely a “defining moment”.
1 Diet Soda: Oscar Salazar for contributing in several big wins, making the best of his bench role while never (really, in his entire career) knowing if he’ll see another day in the big leagues. Only 1 Diet Soda for the fact that he is what he is: a replaceable bench player. But he’s earned that one Diet Soda, damnit.
2 Diet Sodas: Danys Baez, for being able to come back off of TJ surgery in one year, failing as a starter, looking like he was failing as a reliever too in ST, have severe arm pain in the process, but then putting it all together and being the Orioles’ best reliever for a good 2 or 3 months. He hit that bump in the road, seems to be back on a track a little. But what earns him the 2 DS is the fact that he could have easily mailed it in and collected his ridiculous $5 million (or whatever it is). But he’s shown that despite being the ’08 whipping boy, he’s a good teammate, a hard worker, and a generally good dude. And he’s a darn good reliever this year as a bonus. Here’s to the O’s finding him a contending team to play for.
wait just a second! we’re missing the best diet soda award there is! This here site itself and all you fine folks who comment and keep me off the ledge day in and day out. sorry to get all sappy and kiss ass here but when something amazing is happening in an O’s game the first thing i do is call my buddy in NYC, the second thing i do is go onto TLC to start talking with you guys…
i know…cheesy…but truth.
@ryan97ou – I’m with you man. A diet soda cheers to TLC!
Why are all you boys watching your weight? You leave that to me!
4 diet sodas for the 11-10 comeback win over the Sox. Magic.
Oops. You already had it winning five. I’m an idiot. OK, five diet sodas for The Comeback!
I think that maybe Jim Palmer should get one for his constant, but awesome bar tan. He reminds me of Harry Doyle from Major League
I thought about Palmer Sodas when he was mentioned in the comments, but ultimately I decided that his Sodas are more of the Lifetime Achievement variety. Like when we broadcast the LCDSAs for the first time in 2010 (on Versus, natch), Palmer will get the inaugural 40 oz. Diet Soda, awarded for consistent dedication and achievement in the field of Making the Orioles Interesting.
Until then, though, I’m not sure he’s done enough this year to rate on the DSS.
I would like to give the Loss Column a big, Scarfaced-sized pile of Saccharin…
The Loss Column is that very pile, right here on my desk at work. I snort it daily, then smile and feel like a million bucks.
You guys rock. I haven’t had much to say but I’m here, watching. You will only see the glow of my cigarette.