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To Thrill a Mockingbird

2009 NFL Draft MockEd. Note: In advance of this weekend’s festivities I’m stoked to present the official Loss Column Mock Draft, courtesy of semi-regular contributor Chris. Don’t blame him for the dumb headline, though — that’s all me.

1. Detroit Lions — Jason Smith, OT (Baylor)
The Matt Millen plague has been lifted. No more drafting like a 12 year old playing Madden on the Xbox. In any other draft class, Matt Stafford is a mid-1st rd pick. He’s got Cutler like-underwhelming intangibles and a will to show up. He’s not a #1 over-all pick. Jason Smith is a smart, unsexy pick that will provide a solid foundation for a team that’s never really had a foundation.

2. St Louis Rams — Aaron Curry, OLB (Wake Forest)
The Rams’ nicely placed picks can sneak out of this draft with a solid defensive core for years to come.

3. Kansas City Chiefs — Andre Smith, OT (Alabama)
They need to protect their Cassell. Smith is the best option here.

4. Seattle Seahawks — Matt Stafford, QB (Georgia)
Stafford and Houshmanzada: there’s marketing you can take to the bank…the money bank. Those hideous, hideous jerseys will be flying off the shelves like Pike Place market salmon.

5. Cleveland Browns — Eugene Monroe, OT (Virginia)
Even With Braylon Edwards on his way out, the Browns don’t do anything desperate here. Mangini and Co. know there will be WR value in 2nd. Prudence will pay dividends in this draft.

6. Cincinnati Bengals — B.J. Raji, DT (Boston College)
His name is Raji and he’ll play for the Bengals. It’s a Bollywood match made in heaven.

7. Oakland Raiders — Michael Crabtree, WR (Texas Tech)
Al Davis Still runs this team….AL DAVIS.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars — Brian Orakpo, DE (Texas)
BPA instead of chasing waterfalls.

9. Green Bay Packers — Aaron Maybin, DE/OLB (Penn State)
Speedy edge rusher to compliment The Hawk.

10. San Francisco 49ers — Mark Sanchez, QB (USC)
The Mission will have it’s new messiah. Viva La Raza.

11. Buffalo Bills — Tyson Jackson, DE (LSU)
DE Chris Kelsay looks to be on his way out so this pick makes sense.

12. Denver Broncos — Malcolm Jenkins, CB (Ohio State)
Pure BPA pick although I’m not sure McDaniels is smart enough to see the value here.

13. Washington Redskins — Michael Oher, OT (Mississippi)
This pick makes so much sense for the Redskins on so many levels, Synder will be sure not to do it.

14. New Orleans Saints — Brian Cushing, OLB (USC)
RB is an option here for the Saints, but defense is still a more pressing issue and it’s too early for Moreno or Wells.

15. Houston Texans — Rey Maualuga, LB (USC)
Stacking the defense with 1st round picks could set Houston up for a while in a division filled with scary opposing offenses.

16. San Diego Chargers — Knowshon Moreno, RB (Georgia)
LT still has life but he needs that counter punch that was Michael Turner. Know-Mo can be that counter punch.

17. NY Jets — Chris Wells, RB (Ohio State)
If the Jets select Josh Freeman here, violence and bloodshed will descend upon Radio City. The WR they need will be there in the 2nd and the QB they need is already on the team. Thomas Jones, Leon Washington, and Beanie Wells will be three-headed juggernaut in run-first, ask-questions-never offense.

18. Denver Broncos — Josh Freeman, QB (Kansas State)
Let the Cutler fallout continue with this moronically imprudent pick.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Jerry Peria, DT (Mississippi)
This front seven needs an overhaul. Leftwich will be serviceable while they address the defense with this draft and worry about QB later.

20. Detroit Lions — Alec Mack, C (Cal)
OT and C in the 1st round. This would be the anti-Millen draft and it would feel so, so good.

21. Philadelphia Eagles — James Lauriniatis, LB (Ohio State)
The Eagles provide the 1st noodle-scratcher of the day. His dad was Animal from the WWF tag-team Road Warriors. Philadelphia loves its professional wrestling. I have no rationale for this pick other than it would make me laugh because I hate the Eagles and Lauriniatis is the Tyler Hansborough of the NFL draft.

22. Minnesota Vikings — Jeremy Maclin, WR (Missouri)
And the WR mad scramble begins with Maclin.

23. New England Patriots — Clay Matthews, OLB (USC)
Mike Vrabel was traded to KC and the Patriots need to fill that douche-y void.

24. Atlanta Falcons — Brandon Pettigrew, TE (Oklahoma St.)
Matt Ryan could have a lot of success and fun throwing to the draft’s only 1st round caliber TE.

25. Miami Dolphins — Vontae Davis, CB (Illinois)
Percy Harvin would be a tempting compliment to Ginn Jr., but Tony Sparano will likely pick up VD.

26. Baltimore Ravens — Hakeem Nicks, WR (North Carolina)
Nicks is the perfect compliment to Joe Flacco. He’s probably the most NFL-ready WR in this class and he has trouble not catching the ball. His lack of speed is a detriment if you’re an idiot.

27. Indianapolis Colts — Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR (Maryland)
LBs are a need but the Colts can address them in the later rounds. Manning needs more options and DHB is too temping.

28. Buffalo Bills — Eben Britton, OT (Arizona)
Team Canada gets good value here.

29. NY Giants — Kenny Britt, WR (Rutgers)
If the Braylon Edwards thing falls through, Britt will make the short trip up the NJTP, stoping at the Joyce Kilmer rest stop for a soft pretzel and an blue ICEE.

30. Tennessee Titans — Brian Robiskie, WR (Ohio State)
Lots of good WRs should still be available. Percy Harvin is also an option here.

31. Arizona Cardinals — Robert Ayres, DE (Tennessee)
With the sexy RBs off the board, the Cards get pragmatic.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers — Percy Harvin, WR (Florida)
Unfairly, the Steelers add an x-factor to a team with very few holes.

23 comments to To Thrill a Mockingbird

  • sci

    Sound logic throughout, though I do think Ayers will go much higher. He could easily go to the Skins if they don’t trade their entire team to move up to get Sanchez. The Skins could also take either Maualuga or Cushing. And although it will make you very angry, I think the Jets will draft Freeman OR make a huge play to move up for Sanchez should he fall as far as you are predicting. And I do think the Ravens will take Heyward-Bey over Nicks, but they’d take Maclin if he’s still there.

  • Big Ben's Motorcycle

    ahhhhhhhh a football thread.

    it’s like a cool dollop of preparation h on a throbbing hemorrhoid.

    ooo ooo ouch ahhhhhhhhhh

    sincere thoughts later

  • random dude

    As much as we need a WR, I wouldn’t be surprised to see us take Britton to solidify our RT spot. We tried to get Orlando Pace there, and I don’t think the team has much faith in Willie Anderson/Adam Terry. Since WR is supposedly very deep this this draft, I think they hold off and go with an OT.

    If they do go WR, I hope they’d take Nicks over Heyward-Bey. Bey never really impressed me at UMD. I mean, he was good (yet streaky) there. He may very well prove me wrong and be a productive NFL WR, but I think a fantastic combine and 40 time has made him overrated.

  • Big Ben's Motorcycle

    boldin > heyward-bey and probably every other receiver.

    the more i learn the more i like the idea of that trade.

    fuck predicting qb/receiver greatness. it’s futile.

  • Big Ben's Motorcycle

    man i just had the time to read chris’ whole post.

    dude you need to do a bi-weekly nfl roundup at least.

    shit is hilarious and on point

  • Big Ben's Motorcycle

    i meant bi-monthly (until the season) but bi-weekly would be even better

  • Big Ben's Motorcycle

    am i the only one on here at 3:40 am what the fuck?

  • Andrew

    Haha, Go to sleep ben…jesus…

  • random dude

    @Big Ben’s Motorcycle – I really REALLY wish they’d pony up the draft picks to get Boldin. I know we have a history of good drafting, but we don’t have a good history of drafting receivers. Plus we were 3 minutes from the superbowl last year. Receivers, not named Calvin Johnson, usually take 3 years to adjust to the NFL. Boldin would help us win immediately. He’s got big play ability, and is an absolute monster in the red zone.

    Only problem is that I’m not sure we could work out a long term deal for both Boldin and Suggs before the season started. I think that’s worth the risk, though.

  • Sci: Maclin will never make it to the Ravens. The Redskins don’t have a QB problem, they have on o-line problem, and even the Redskins aren’t crazy enough to mortgage the farm to chase Sanchez. But nothing they do would surprise me. LB is a need, but from what I saw last year, bolstering the o-line is a bigger need.

    BBM: I’m glad I could provide some slight relief to your itching, burning and swollen sports anus. Boldin is not worth what teams will have to give up for him, especially in a draft so full of quality WRs. Yes, Boldin is better than DHB or any other WR coming out this year, but he’s over-priced and rightfully so. But the Cardinals system in which Boldin flourished in very different than the Ravens. It’s a bit easier to flourish and pad your stats when Larry Fitzgerald is lined up on the opposite flank.

    R-Dude: You make a great point about the Ravens o-line needs. Luckily for them, this draft is brimming with WRs and linemen. And which ever order they fall, it’s a safe bet that their 1st and 2nd picks will be spent WR and o-line. I also agree with Nicks > DHB.

  • Big Ben's Motorcycle

    man i’m going to miss the whole first day of the draft. it hurts.

  • neal s

    @Big Ben’s Motorcycle – at least “whole first day” now just means “first two rounds”.

  • Big Ben's Motorcycle

    yeah but you have to admit that day one is the best. i usually just tune in to ravens picks after that.

    the worst part is i’ll be in philly and expect to hear nothing but eagles reid blah blah eagles this that eagles phillies rocky cheesesteak blah fart

  • Ouch, you have to go to Philly? Did you lose a contest?
    At least you can go to Ron’s Ribs on 16th & South and see the awesome autographed pic of Hall & Oats with Oats giving the most enthusiastic and earnest thumbs-up ever.
    Oh, and you’re gonna be there on a Saturday so you can go to Bob & Barbara’s and see The Crowd Pleasers!
    Those are about the only two things I miss about Philly.

  • I’m gonna go out on a thin, dry, brittle limb and say THE REDSKINS WILL NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID IN THIS DRAFT.

  • dan the man

    105.7 is saying the Ravens will try to sling a 2nd+Heap for Boldin, if they are able to draft Pettigrew in the first round.

    Sign me up for this plan.

  • dan the man

    Oh, and I second more posts from Chris.

  • DtM: That would be a amazing move by the Ravens. Get it done, Blizzard of Oz.

  • The Jets got raped in the bottom. They’re not trying to win a Super Bowl, they’re trying to sell PSLs for the new stadium.
    Professional sports is a fucking joke. The bottom line remains king. And we, like idiots, feed this fucking beast with our money and time.
    Fuck fucking sports.
    Fuck it in it’s fat mouth.

  • 1-32…hmm. At least I was right about the Redskins.
    The Ravens pick of Oher will look a lot better if they can get Brian Robiskie.

  • Big Ben's Motorcycle

    fjsowleked8475dmx c

  • BBM: I couldn’t agree more. When you look at akjasdlkjadlkajsd you really can’t deny that lkjhlhiuhasd. Compounding this conundrum is the inevitable fact that piuasdfjhksjdfh. But, then again, such is life. Bon mots, sir.

  • The Ravens made an interesting 2nd rd pick in Paul Kruger. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DtaZmw8lh4 watch #41. He has the motor and size to be converted to a situational OLB. He ran a 4.8 40 and he’s got Mormon stoicism/discipline and seems to never give up on a play.
    Good draft for the Ravens so far.