To Thrill a Mockingbird
Ed. Note: In advance of this weekend’s festivities I’m stoked to present the official Loss Column Mock Draft, courtesy of semi-regular contributor Chris. Don’t blame him for the dumb headline, though — that’s all me.
1. Detroit Lions — Jason Smith, OT (Baylor)
The Matt Millen plague has been lifted. No more drafting like a 12 year old playing Madden on the Xbox. In any other draft class, Matt Stafford is a mid-1st rd pick. He’s got Cutler like-underwhelming intangibles and a will to show up. He’s not a #1 over-all pick. Jason Smith is a smart, unsexy pick that will provide a solid foundation for a team that’s never really had a foundation.
2. St Louis Rams — Aaron Curry, OLB (Wake Forest)
The Rams’ nicely placed picks can sneak out of this draft with a solid defensive core for years to come.
3. Kansas City Chiefs — Andre Smith, OT (Alabama)
They need to protect their Cassell. Smith is the best option here.
4. Seattle Seahawks — Matt Stafford, QB (Georgia)
Stafford and Houshmanzada: there’s marketing you can take to the bank…the money bank. Those hideous, hideous jerseys will be flying off the shelves like Pike Place market salmon.
5. Cleveland Browns — Eugene Monroe, OT (Virginia)
Even With Braylon Edwards on his way out, the Browns don’t do anything desperate here. Mangini and Co. know there will be WR value in 2nd. Prudence will pay dividends in this draft.
6. Cincinnati Bengals — B.J. Raji, DT (Boston College)
His name is Raji and he’ll play for the Bengals. It’s a Bollywood match made in heaven.
7. Oakland Raiders — Michael Crabtree, WR (Texas Tech)
Al Davis Still runs this team….AL DAVIS.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars — Brian Orakpo, DE (Texas)
BPA instead of chasing waterfalls.
9. Green Bay Packers — Aaron Maybin, DE/OLB (Penn State)
Speedy edge rusher to compliment The Hawk.
10. San Francisco 49ers — Mark Sanchez, QB (USC)
The Mission will have it’s new messiah. Viva La Raza.
11. Buffalo Bills — Tyson Jackson, DE (LSU)
DE Chris Kelsay looks to be on his way out so this pick makes sense.
12. Denver Broncos — Malcolm Jenkins, CB (Ohio State)
Pure BPA pick although I’m not sure McDaniels is smart enough to see the value here.
13. Washington Redskins — Michael Oher, OT (Mississippi)
This pick makes so much sense for the Redskins on so many levels, Synder will be sure not to do it.
14. New Orleans Saints — Brian Cushing, OLB (USC)
RB is an option here for the Saints, but defense is still a more pressing issue and it’s too early for Moreno or Wells.
15. Houston Texans — Rey Maualuga, LB (USC)
Stacking the defense with 1st round picks could set Houston up for a while in a division filled with scary opposing offenses.
16. San Diego Chargers — Knowshon Moreno, RB (Georgia)
LT still has life but he needs that counter punch that was Michael Turner. Know-Mo can be that counter punch.
17. NY Jets — Chris Wells, RB (Ohio State)
If the Jets select Josh Freeman here, violence and bloodshed will descend upon Radio City. The WR they need will be there in the 2nd and the QB they need is already on the team. Thomas Jones, Leon Washington, and Beanie Wells will be three-headed juggernaut in run-first, ask-questions-never offense.
18. Denver Broncos — Josh Freeman, QB (Kansas State)
Let the Cutler fallout continue with this moronically imprudent pick.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Jerry Peria, DT (Mississippi)
This front seven needs an overhaul. Leftwich will be serviceable while they address the defense with this draft and worry about QB later.
20. Detroit Lions — Alec Mack, C (Cal)
OT and C in the 1st round. This would be the anti-Millen draft and it would feel so, so good.
21. Philadelphia Eagles — James Lauriniatis, LB (Ohio State)
The Eagles provide the 1st noodle-scratcher of the day. His dad was Animal from the WWF tag-team Road Warriors. Philadelphia loves its professional wrestling. I have no rationale for this pick other than it would make me laugh because I hate the Eagles and Lauriniatis is the Tyler Hansborough of the NFL draft.
22. Minnesota Vikings — Jeremy Maclin, WR (Missouri)
And the WR mad scramble begins with Maclin.
23. New England Patriots — Clay Matthews, OLB (USC)
Mike Vrabel was traded to KC and the Patriots need to fill that douche-y void.
24. Atlanta Falcons — Brandon Pettigrew, TE (Oklahoma St.)
Matt Ryan could have a lot of success and fun throwing to the draft’s only 1st round caliber TE.
25. Miami Dolphins — Vontae Davis, CB (Illinois)
Percy Harvin would be a tempting compliment to Ginn Jr., but Tony Sparano will likely pick up VD.
26. Baltimore Ravens — Hakeem Nicks, WR (North Carolina)
Nicks is the perfect compliment to Joe Flacco. He’s probably the most NFL-ready WR in this class and he has trouble not catching the ball. His lack of speed is a detriment if you’re an idiot.
27. Indianapolis Colts — Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR (Maryland)
LBs are a need but the Colts can address them in the later rounds. Manning needs more options and DHB is too temping.
28. Buffalo Bills — Eben Britton, OT (Arizona)
Team Canada gets good value here.
29. NY Giants — Kenny Britt, WR (Rutgers)
If the Braylon Edwards thing falls through, Britt will make the short trip up the NJTP, stoping at the Joyce Kilmer rest stop for a soft pretzel and an blue ICEE.
30. Tennessee Titans — Brian Robiskie, WR (Ohio State)
Lots of good WRs should still be available. Percy Harvin is also an option here.
31. Arizona Cardinals — Robert Ayres, DE (Tennessee)
With the sexy RBs off the board, the Cards get pragmatic.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers — Percy Harvin, WR (Florida)
Unfairly, the Steelers add an x-factor to a team with very few holes.