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Fantasy Football Advice From the Chop

Ed. note: this post comes to us courtesy of semi-frequent contributor The Baltimore Chop, whose name you’ve seen around here once or twice before. If you like the cut of his jib, consider casting a vote or two.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who plays the lottery? I don’t mean the folks who buy a mega-millions ticket once or twice a year, but the people who really play the lottery — the ones with a “system,” the ones who hold up the line at 7-11 with a long list of specific numbers and who spend $1000 a year or more on tickets. Ever talked to one of those?

If you haven’t, I’ll give you an idea of what those conversations sound like…

“I always play 23, 17, and 3 for my grandbabies’ birthdays. Then 10 and 8 for my kids’ birthdays. I play 75 for the year I graduated and 1249 which was the address of the house I grew up in. I also play 33 for my mother’s birth year and 79 for my father’s age when he died. I hit big on 45 in 1989, so I play 45 and 89 too.

Now in the pick three I get multiples of three 3,6, and 9 three times for a dollar straight and three times for a dollar box. I also play 333 and 999 straight, but never 666 for obvious reasons. I do 123, 456, and 789 on alternate days, all for fifty cents straight and box and play 000 on the weekends. The pick four is trickier though because I have to…”

And on and on it goes. Some people can talk forever about the lottery, and don’t even get them started on keno. All this talk though can be summed up in one simple sentence: “I play the lottery.” Beyond that, there’s nothing else that’s of interest to any other person on the face of the earth.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret now. When you talk about your fantasy football rosters this is exactly what you sound like. Fantasy football is not a spectator sport. No one cares how many rushing yards you need or what your passing completion percentage is. Nary a soul is interested in the differences between your money league and your bragging rights league. Likewise, no one gives half a shit about the insurmountable moral dilemma of your being forced to root for a player playing against one of your favorite teams.

Not only are there entire websites and call-in radio shows dedicated to fantasy selections and rosters, but when you read or listen to them they all amount to the same word, chanted over and over and over again. “Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me.” You might as well be broadcasting your lottery numbers, your itemized tax deductions, or the digits that make up pi. No one cares.

Stop talking about it.

Sure, we can talk football. We can break down Ravens minutiae or compare quarterbacks head to head. We can even talk about college football. But please, for the love of God and Johnny U, let this be the season that we limit our talk to real football and stop boring each other to death with fantasy nonsense.

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