The Loss Column — Baltimore Sports Blog and Community

ed. note: this is the latest in an occasional series of columns by Ryan Boddy on something near and dear to the hearts of many sports fans — beer.

Summer being here, most brewers have entered reverse hibernation, estivation if you will. Most brew clubs don’t convene for “big brews” after May, and any beer that gets brewed tends to be of the lighter variety, in both color and richness.

Let’s face it; few people are interested in slugging down a robust porter in 95 degree heat with the humidity level hovering somewhere between steam bath and pressure cooker. We want beach beers, baseball beers, and back porch BBQ beers. We want beer that is refreshing, and that can be consumed in bulk without winding up passed out behind the push-mower.

Typically, this means light lagers like Pilseners, and American Light lagers. There are plenty of these beers commercially available, which is a good thing for the beginning or intermediate homebrewer because brewing them requires substantial refrigeration. Unless you live in Alaska or the Southern Hemisphere this time of the year, this entails modifying a refrigerator to include precise temperature control and the removal of racks to accommodate fermenters and kegs; obviously not something every brew dood is up for.

But there are other options besides lagers.

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I promise not to derail the conversation to non-sports-related topics too often, but — if you’ll indulge me — I want to spend a minute talking about what I’m up to outside of running The Loss Column.

Specifically, I want to let everyone know about Slant Six Creative, a communications studio I recently founded.

It got some attention yesterday at the Baltimore Sun on account of the “I’ve Stepped Out For a Smoke” cards I designed and made. Other recent projects include a guest post for the highly respected Copyblogger site, and ongoing work providing a local pet store with a new identity and brand awareness program (here’s the logo we did).

You might have noticed that I placed a small ad for Slant Six in the sidebar. Doing that, and putting up this post, represent the first steps in giving the studio/company a kind of “launch”. What better way to do it than to spread the word to all of you, who have meant so much and made TLC what it is?

So…if anyone has need of creative services — writing/editing, communications, design, new media, marketing, branding, etc — please get in touch. And if you know anyone who might need these services, please pass my name along and ask them to give me a ring/email — here are a number of ways to get in touch.

I also use the Slant Six site to blog about things like creativity and design and communications and culture, and everyone is more than welcome — if you’re interested — to join me there and have some more good conversations.

So, thanks for reading. I might mention this on occasion in the future, if that’s OK with everyone, but only when necessary. I appreciate the attention and respect — very much.

Back to the O’s…

A few days ago in the comments, Andrew mentioned that he had a curiosity. He offered to send a picture and, sure enough (click for large version):

It’s a piece of “Baltimore” Orioles merchandise that appears to have been produced well after the Baltimore script logo was used.

So what gives? Any ideas?

– Want to know something the O’s have been progressive and proactive about lately? Nutrition, which I think is great.

– Daniel Cabrera felt good today, and if the Big Guy’s happy then so am I.

– Here’s the latest on the Cubs, who seem like they really could use Brian Roberts.

– Say adios to Javy Lopez, the walking, talking definition of the term “contract year”.

– I think I’m going to the second game of the year, or “Opening Night” as I’m calling it to make myself feel better. Anybody else?

Soon there’ll be lots of college basketball on TV. But with college basketball on TV comes college mascots on TV, and you’re gonna need to be prepared.

People either love mascots or hate mascots. But there’s one thing you can’t do: ignore mascots. Here’s the best and the worst from the place where athletics meets community theatre and puts on a costume.

Worst:

5. St. Joseph’s University – The Hawk (view)

A school as over-priced as SJU should be able to pay for an actual mascot costume instead of getting the equipment manager’s mom to sew something together in her free time. The fuzzy sweatpants and Down Syndrome eyes and non-stop arm-flapping and delusions of immortality (The Hawk Will Never Die) inspire involuntary hospitalization as opposed to school pride. It’s telling when people find out you’re an alumnus and immediately ask “What’s the deal with that hawk?”

4. University of Southern Illinois – Grey Dog (yeah, that’s the official name of the mascot) (view)

Good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.

3. Three-way tie:
Purdue - Purdue Pete (view)
UMASS – The Minuteman (view)
New England Patriots - Pat Patriot (view)

People are ugly and scary. Mascots that look like giant plastic people are even uglier and scarier. The clever names are telling of the laziness involved in opting for these cop-out mascots. Two of these horrid things are from Massachusetts. Go figure.

2. Notre Dame – The Leprechaun (view)

Short, bearded, red-headed guys in green vests are made to be ridiculed and hated so it kinda makes sense that Notre Dame chose one to be the face of their school.

1. Philadelphia 76ers - Hip Hop (view)

Hip-Hop is the mascot equivalent of Poochie the Rockin’ Dog meets Chester Cheetah meets The Worst Attempt at Urban Youth-Focused Marketing Since Boost Mobile Phones.

Best:

5. UC Santa Cruz - Sammy the Slug (view)

Look at how hard he’s chillin’. That kind of easy unflappability can’t be bought. It can only be earned. Insect mascots are difficult to pull off. Where Buzz the Georgia Tech Yellowjacket goes so wrong with it’s translucent fish bowl eyes, Sammy goes so right. He looks like a less creepy Gelfling from the Dark Crystal. Plus he’s a slug.

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Be safe out there, kiddies, and send pics if you do anything interesting (like carve up a mudflap girl pumpkin).

It’s that time of year again again. Leaves, Leafs, candy apples, Candy Samples, light wraps (including but not limited to shawls, tunics, neo-wimples, and jumpers), used Type O Negative CDs, Dane Cook, the farthest time from when employees of the PAAS corporation have to think about going back to work again, and best of all, gratuitous use of the suffix “-tober”.

The newest entry to the list (which previously included Z104.3 The Edge’s Rock-tober, Martin Yan’s Wok-tober, Bushwick Bill’s Glock-tober, The Dukes of Hazzard Appreciation Society’s Catherine Bach-tober, etc) comes to us from ESPN’s MLS Primetime Thursday. Yup, it’s “Socc-tober” according to Rob Stone (guy who used to play soccer and now just talks about it on the TV).

After proclaiming this newly crowned “–tober”, Rob went on the show us WHY the prefix “Socc-” is so apt. Apparently, this is when the MLS playoffs happen. And before the DC United v. ,b>Chicago Fire 1st leg match, we got the obligatory “Let’s try to rope in the folks who flipped to ESPN instinctively during a World Series commercial break” feature, which consisted of a comparative baseball/soccer montage: “We’ve got strikes, steals, and slides too!” No lie, that was an actually quote. Now the potential viewer is bored because he realizes it’s soccer (because there’s not that much scoring in soccer and excitement and intrigue only come with scoring and LOTS of it, see the NHL) on the other end of the spectrum, the dedicated soccer fan is insulted and embarrassed at the overt pandering to Joe Nascar.

Add this to the litany of poor marketing strategies the MLS/EPSN has rolled out in an attempt to snag new fans. Instead of marketing to the core audience who knows and faithfully follows the game, they continually choose to alienate that demographic with constant attempts to draw parallels to American sports (”They’re in the red zone!”, “We’re coming up on the 2 minute warning.”, “The attacking midfielder is like the quarterback of the team.”), and the continuous explanations of the rules and practices, made famous by Dave O’Brien and his “This is an example of the spirit of the game!”, uttered every time a ball is purposefully played into touch while an opposing player is injured. That’s American soccer coverage: plenty of dumbin’ it down, hypin’ it up, and Sierra Mist.

The ESPN Thursday night MLS team had previously injected some insta-cred by including international soccer mainstay, the leprechaunish Tommy Smyth, whose catch phrase “bulge in the ol’ onion sack” is the comedy gold at the end of a dreary American soccer commentator rainbow. Instead, we get the Alex P. Keaton of the soccer world, the surly, snarky Eric Wynalda who is best known as Landon Donovan’s less-talented predecessor.

Last night, Eric thought it acceptable to liken the red flames of the road flares fans had set off in the crowd to the wildfires destroying homes and lives in Southern California. Yes. And aside from making light-hearted references to a continuing tragedy, Eric wouldn’t shut up about how “hated” Cuauhtémoc Blanco is despite every other spectator in the crowd wearing his #10 jersey.

This collective hatred that we are supposed to hold can be traced back to Blanco’s Mexican national team consistently dominating Wynalda’s US national team during the 90s. A lack of commentator objectivity due to unresolved issues and past failures (Tony Kornheiser) or blatant homerism (the Redskins radio broadcast team) is usually a recipe for unintentional hilarity, but Wynalda’s agenda is much too pitiful.

Not even the silky, lovable Valium that is Julie Foudy could save this embarrassing production. Instead of letting her do color commentary, which she has done more than competently in the past, they shove her into the Keyshawn Johnson/Shannon Sharpe novelty corner of the coverage desk. “Hey look everybody! It’s a girl! How crazy is THAT?” Julie is too dignified and sleepy to be up that late and not have a major speaking role. ESPN, please for the love of the game soccer and the people who watch it, put Julie Foudy up front where she belongs and give her a new Sierra Mist X with invigorating Ginkgo Biloba and other botanical extracts and sugar. We’re sure she can hit it out of the park, take it to the house, drive the lane for an and-one, and maybe even put the bulge in the ol’ onion sack.

“One Julie Fooooudy!! There’s only ONE Julie Foooooooudy!!!”

Apropos of nothing, I swiped this screencap from ESPN.com last night:

Webster’s dictionary defines “Jauary” as “the month that occurs after December and before some boneheaded middle manager gets around to double-checking his intern’s shoddy work.”

Real Gear For Real Fans.

It’s time to take a deep breath after that 57 comment (and counting) Orioles thread and turn our focus outward for a change. Specifically, to some of the other sites on the webonet that have shown The Loss Column love over the past few months, or for whom we just have a particular fondness.

– Sports by Brooks is one of the best daily sources out there for news, links, analysis, etc. I read the site anyway, but as it happens Brooks has been very kind to us with links of his own. Support him.

– Babes Love Baseball gave us a shout-out not too long ago and I felt humbled. They’re babes, they love baseball, and they know what they’re talking about. What’s not to love?

– Uni Watch, of course. One of my favorites since pretty much the day it went up.

– What Would Tyler Hansbrough Do? linked us up, as well. It’s a Tar Heels blog and that’s kind of a problem, but I figure a mutual hatred of all things Duke can be the tie that binds.

And since there’s more to life than sports, and it’s my prerogative to link as I please, give these sites a look as well:

– The guys at Tomorrow’s Brightest Minds are fast becoming a force to be reckoned with. Those Slim Jim “Snapalope” commercials? That’s them. The site hasn’t been updated in awhile but don’t let that scare you off. I’m privileged to call these dudes friends.

– The Girl Skateboards Art Dump houses a collection of some of the most inspiring, creative individuals alive today. Bookmark it and be happy you did.

And finally, don’t forget to periodically stop by our fellow “Behind Enemy Lines” alliance sites.

Enjoy your Wednesday.